So it’s a new year and it’s time to make some resolutions. For this coming year, I resolve to continue writing this comic book and to keep up with this blog on a regular basis (at least once a week). You and I both know that this is not going to stick but I’m going to give it a shot anyway, that way you can’t blame me for not trying, because I know you would love to. Don’t lie, it’s okay, I’ve gotten over it.
Now moving on to more important matters. You may have noticed that I have given the blog a new name. I chose to do this because of two reasons. One, I didn’t think that the previous one completely captured who I am as a person. And two, I am planning on doing more than just reviews of things, that’s what Blippy is for. From here on out I plan to talk about everything that I find to be interesting, which is basically just nerdy stuff like comic books, movies, television, and anything that I just find to be intellectually stimulating; or irritating for that matter.
So to start the New Year off the right way, I have decided to take an idea that came up in a conversation that I had a couple of months ago with the now relatively famous Dr. Andrew J. Kunka. Don’t ask me what the “J” stands for, I have been wondering that ever since I met the man. While discussing some ideas about comics and movies over lunch one day, Dr. Kunka decided to show me something that I, as a lover of comics, found to be awe-inspiring. It just so happened to be the recently reprinted “Superman vs Muhammad Ali”, which is a 72-page long oversized comic that was first published in 1978 by DC Comics.
After showing me this book O’ awesomeness, Dr. Kunka shared with me the idea of putting other superheroes in fights with celebrities. So to take Dr. Kunka’s idea a little farther, I have put together a list of 5 superhero/celebrity bouts that I would pay good money to see.
1. Batman vs Kanye West – This was one that Dr. Kunka came up with and I’m not aware of why he chose Kanye West but I know that I would love to see this fight simply because I want someone to shut the man up. And who would do a better job than Batman? I think it would be a good fight however. Batman is obviously a better fighter but if he would allow Kanye the opportunity for him to open his mouth, I think Kanye would get to Bats. He would tell him that he doesn’t care about black people and that even though he’s a good superhero and all, the majority of the praise he gets should go to Storm from the X-Men. Finally he would assault Batman’s hearing by turning on the auto-tune. From there on out, we would have to see how Batman fairs while being lyrically assaulted.
2. Professor X vs Stephen Hawking – I think that this would be one for the ages. Aside from all of the obvious jokes that can be made about them both being handicapped, I think that this would be a battle fought on the astral plane, and if you thought that Magneto, The Phoenix Force, or Apocalypse were major battles, then you ain’t seen nothing yet. I honestly don’t know who would win in such a battle. Xavier has all the abilities he would ever need to carve a regular man’s mind in two but with the way Hawking’s mind works, I don’t think that he would be able to use regular techniques. I don’t know folks, after this one Cyke and the gang might have to be called “The H-Men”.
3. Rouge vs Bret Michaels – Normally all Rouge would have to do to take down a regular human being would be to just touch them, but Bret has a trick or two up his sleeve. Did I say trick? I meant STD. Because of the sheer ferocity of Bret’s many sexually transmitted diseases they would be so pungent that by simply touching his skin you would become infected. (Reference: every angry female that has been to a Poison concert) This would prove to be an obstacle for Rouge, I’m sure. I know that she might have super strength and the ability to fly, depending on which version we’re talking about, but just look at how long Michaels has survived even after being attacked by his own brain. Leading me to the conclusion that Michaels is actually a zombie. So the super strength, power absorption, and flight of Rouge versus the STD-emitting zombie that is Bret Michaels would prove to be a glorious fight.
4. Flash (Barry Allen) vs O. J. Simpson – Think about it. They could race each other, Flash would be on foot and O. J. would be in his Bronco. Then, because Barry Allen was a police scientist, which would now be known as a CSI, he could be challenged by Simpson to guess whether he truly did do it. This wouldn’t be a straight forward fight but rather more of a challenge for Allen to guess which murders actually belong to Simpson and time is always of the essence in murder trials which is where Flash’s speed would come in handy. The only problem is the darn gloves that just don’t fit. These could prove to be a real challenge for Flash and cause him to fight in a whole new manner.
5. Spider-Man vs Lady GaGa – Paparazzi versus “Paparazzi”. This would also prove to be an interesting battle because while Spider-Man has so many amazing abilities, Lady GaGa has some outfits that could prove to be deadly, so this would come down to camera versus camera. And depending on the amount of sheen that Lady GaGa has to offer, Parker’s photos could be ruined. But Spider-Man has recently developed a suit that is completely invisible which would mean that Lady GaGa might not be able to take photos at all. This would have to be the most epic photo contest ever constructed.
So there you have it, five all-out battles that you probably didn’t even expect. Who do you think would win, and why? And if you have any suggestions for fights you would like to see, let me know. I have to tell you, I think that there would be many hardcore battles between superhumans and celebrities, which is why I have left some below that just didn’t quite make the cut.
• Magneto vs Mel Gibson
• Harley Quinn vs Kourtney Kardashian
• Captain Planet vs Al Gore
• The Blob vs Rush Limbaugh
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